Can You Rebuild a Friendship After Betrayal?

Dear Dr. Julie: I haven't spoken to my best friend in a couple of years because before she was married she slept with my boyfriend. I haven't spoken to either of them since I found out. I miss my best friend and I want to be friends with her again but I can't forgive her for what she did. How do I forgive her after she betrayed my trust?

--Betrayed and Torn

Dear Betrayed and Torn,

I want to start with saying how deeply sorry I am that you have gone through this. Betrayals cut deeper that many other hurts and it's completely understandable how you feel. You miss your friend and, yet, feel unable to forgive her, putting you in a painful position. Let's walk through what forgiveness is, how to forgive, and how you might start rebuilding your relationship with your friend.

What Forgiveness Really Means

There is so much misinformation out there on what forgiveness is. Most people grow up with the idea of "forgive and forget," implying that to forgive someone is to forget what they did. Except, there are some offenses you'll never forget because they were too painful in the first place. So, "forgive and forget" is not going to work here. 

At it's core, forgiveness is about releasing yourself from anger and pain related to the situation. It does NOT mean you are okay with what you friend did or that you have to welcome her back into your life as if nothing ever happened. But, rather, forgiveness is a way to relieve yourself of the pain and anguish of the situation--a way to release the hold this betrayal has on you so you can move forward.

Starting the Path to Forgiveness

Forgiveness really is a process, not just a decision that happens in a moment. Here are a few steps that will help you in the process of forgiving:

1. Acknowledge how you feel: It's okay to feel anger, hurt, and sadness, and to really heal, you need to give yourself permission to feel these feelings fully. Journaling is a great way to sort through the tangle of your emotions to understand them more deeply. But, journaling might not be enough, or it might be too overwhelming to start with. If this is the case for you, I'd encourage you to find a therapist to help you process your feelings in a safe space.
2. Understand you friend's perspective: Doing this doesn't mean you are excusing her behavior. The point is that trying to understand what was going on with your friend before she betrayed you, can sometimes soften the sting. Since she was your best friend before this happened, you likely know her well. Was she feeling insecure, caught up in a situation she gave into impulsively, acting out of fear, feeling uncertain about getting married, or something else? Understanding does NOT mean you have to accept or justify her actions, but it can help you see her as a flawed person, rather than simply being someone who hurt you purposefully.
3. Decide what forgiveness means to you: First, it's common to forgive someone without reconciling with them. You can forgive her without returning to a friendship, and this may be something to consider, especially if your desire to forgive is driven at least somewhat by the desire to quit feeling so hurt. If you still want to reconnect with her, forgiveness will mean being willing to talk about what happened with an open mind and heart while setting boundaries to protect yourself in the future. 

Reflecting on the Friendship

As I said above, you may or may not want to reconcile with her after reflecting on her perspective and deciding what forgiveness means to you. Before you decide one way or the other, reflect on what your friendship with her meant to you before this happened. What were the qualities that made her your best friend? Was she kind, supportive, fun, and understanding? Or, were there red flags even before this happened that might suggest a disregard for you and your feelings and values?

Also, ask yourself what you're hoping to get out of reconnecting with her. Are you looking for closure? An apology? To go back to the way things were before? It's important to be clear on your own motivations and expectations so you can approach the situation from a place of empowerment.

Rebuilding the Relationship (If You Choose To)

If you decide to reconnect, the most important thing will be honesty. Be prepared to share your feelings about the betrayal and explain what’s been keeping you from reaching out sooner. You'll know much more about your feelings if you have processed them and gone through the steps above. You should also have processed your feelings enough that having the conversation with her is not emotionally overwhelming. You may cry at some point in the conversation, but the conversation shouldn't start out with tears or anger.

When you reach out to her, you could say:

“I’ve missed our friendship, but I’ve also been struggling to move past what happened between us. I was really hurt, and I’m not sure how to move forward. I’d like to hear your perspective and talk about how we might move forward.”

Before you talk with her, be clear about what you need to feel safe in the friendship again. You'll be clearer on what you want if you have reflected on your friendship and thought about what you are hoping to get from reconnecting with her.

Start slowly, don't just jump right back into the friendship like it was before just to "prove" to yourself you've forgiven her. Rebuilding trust takes time, so let her earn it gradually. If things go well, what you need to feel safe will evolve over time. In other words, as she demonstrates she is trustworthy, feeling safe with her should get easier. 

Letting Time Do Its Work

Healing from betrayal is not a straight line, and it’s okay if your feelings about her—and about forgiveness—shift over time. You might reach out and talk with her, but then decide you're not ready. That's okay. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself, not about erasing the past.

Moving Forward

Whatever you ultimately do, prioritize your emotional well-being. Whether you choose to reconnect or not, your goal is to find peace with what happened so that it no longer weighs you down. Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you, and don’t hesitate to seek out therapy or trusted confidants to help you process your emotions.

Trust yourself to sort this out in a way that honors your feelings and protects your heart. Whatever you decide, know that you deserve relationships built on mutual respect and trust.

Warmly,
Dr. Julie