Secrets to Helping a Loved One Who Doesn't Want Help

Dear Dr. Julie: Not sure if this is the right place for this question, but how do you help someone who doesn’t believe they need help? My adult daughter, who lives with me, has a mild intellectual disability, ADHD, and may have other genetic disorders we’re getting her tested for. I’ve done all I can to help her, but she doesn’t understand or believe she needs it.

--Caring in Carolina

Dear Caring in Carolina,

It sounds like you’ve been incredibly devoted to helping your daughter find her way, and it’s understandable to feel discouraged when she doesn’t recognize the need for change. Supporting someone when they lack insight into their own struggles is especially disheartening. It’s natural to want to do things for her, point out what she should be doing for herself, and possibly even nag her to do what is in her best interest. But when a person can’t see the full picture of their situation, they can feel safe where they are—even if it’s limiting them. Without insight into how a new approach might help, motivation to make any changes is out of reach and change is unlikely.

It can be painful to watch, especially when we know that even a small step forward could make a difference. But it’s hard for someone to desire change when they don’t feel a personal connection to the potential rewards. For your daughter, recognizing how this would help her may need to come gradually, as she starts seeing the positive effects herself.

1. People Don’t Like Feeling Controlled

When someone lacks motivation, it can be tempting to step in and try to “fix” things for them, but this often creates resistance. Instead, it’s essential to ensure your support doesn’t come across as control. People respond best when they feel respected, valued, and in charge of their decisions. While it may be tough, respecting her autonomy can allow her to warm up to new ideas on her own terms.

2. Using Assertive Communication to Show Respect

One approach that helps balance your concerns with her need for autonomy is using an assertive communication model to convey your feelings without applying pressure. Use this template:

• Situation: Describe the current state objectively. For example, “I’ve noticed that some tasks around the house seem more challenging for you lately.”

• Effect: Share how it’s impacting you. “When I see you struggle, I feel worried and unsure if I’m providing the right support.”

• Request: Finally, make a request that leaves room for her input. “Would you be willing to talk about it? I’d like to hear how you’re feeling and see if there’s any way I can help.”

A simple request to open up a conversation often feels more collaborative and less directive. If she feels comfortable, her responses might offer you insights or show you a bit of her perspective, which can help you tailor support that truly fits her needs.

3. Making It Clear That It Is Her Choice

Expressing that the choice is hers to make—whether it’s related to specific help, daily habits, or other routines—is key to avoiding any sense of force or control. If she senses that you respect her independence, she’ll be more likely to consider your suggestions on her own terms. Sometimes, people just need to know they have a choice to feel more at ease exploring options, even if they resist at first.

4. Shifting from Blame to Self-Responsibility

It’s natural to think that if someone close to us would change, we’d feel better. However, relying on others to act differently to ease our discomfort tends to be a frustrating cycle. When we hinge our happiness on someone else’s actions, we may feel stuck in a pattern of hoping, waiting, and even resenting.

Focusing on your own responses, rather than depending on her to act differently, can empower you to find a sense of peace. This approach doesn’t mean your concerns for your daughter aren’t valid; rather, it lets you engage with her from a place of calm and self-assurance.

And, this is a great way to model emotional maturity and taking responsibility, which is often the central challenge of growing up and is harder for people with ADHD and other issues because their brains don't easily work that way.

I know this is no easy road, but staying patient and centered as you support her with thoughtful communication may gradually help her recognize the possibilities that change could bring. Whether she chooses to accept that now or later, you’re building a foundation of trust and respect that she can lean on whenever she’s ready.

An important issue for you is to manage the fine line between helping your daughter and taking care of yourself. There will be times when what's in your best interest will feel like it's compromising the support you are giving her. It can be hard to reduce the level of support you provide, especially when it's something you've always done. But sometimes, if supporters back off on the amount of support they provide, people realize they need to step up and take care of themselves. Whether that's an option or not, don't forget about your health and well-being in the face of all the difficulties your daughter is having. 🩷

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